For Those About to Rock…
10 things you should know before you take the stage

01. Getting Started So you have decided against your partner’s/parents/friends [delete as necessary] best advice and are thinking of entering the air guitar championships. Please fill out the on-line entry form and wait for a response. It usually says “ok by us” or “entered” or some longer variation if we are amused by your name or answers This means you are entered and should try to show up at the venue a few hours to a few minutes before the advertised start time. 7.55pm for 8.00pm at the latest. At some of the larger shows [Brighton, Manchester, etc] it pays to get there early as Disastronaut generally works backwards - the first to arrive and sign-in are the last to go on. This is better if you want to win because no-one generally remembers the first contestant. And Disastronaut [see note 4] generally picks people with stupid/OTT costumes to go in the final 3. So its best to follow this adivce to get ahead and stay there.

02. Inspirations Your choice will most likely determine how you do. Over the years the winners [Satan Whoppercock, /// (TheThree Slashes), Metal Avenger, etc] have created some of the most memorable characters to ever grace any stage anywhere. The lunacy of the finals is, in part, is down to the raw creativity and the outlandish inspirations the each performer brings to the performance. Decide who you want to be [or an amalgamation of several rock gods] then go about creating your genetically enhanced Axe Superhero. A bit of Eddie Van, a touch of Jimi, Lots of bad hair and make up - you know - the history of rock and roll condensed into 3 minutes… the creation is yours to make.

03. The Track You have about 3 minutes in the 1st round to make an impression. So it is up to you to find the perfect 3 minutes of rock heaven. Some contestants cut and paste several tracks together to make a compilation of Licks that almost never fails to impress. Or you can take it down the One-horse way. But be careful - once you’ve discovered the audience hates you you’re in trouble. Take time to consider what drives people wild. Look at the website and see what tracks the DJs are playing. Make up your own and impress if you dare. It is important to bring a clearly labeled CD with your stage name, track number, contact number in case you leave it behind and above all make sure its a good track.

04. Your Costume In rock and roll half of the show is down to how you look. somehow even a band that can’t quite play, are too drunk to operate etc - if they look good - no one seems to care. So it is important to consider what you wear on stage. For the 10th finals [unless you are a last-miniute contestant] Disastronaut will not let you on stage in street clothing. It is a show and unless you can make a little effort - you will not be allowed on stage. The finest exponents of this - think about Danny Sterling, Piss, Dum BN3, Jaimz Riot, Satan, etc - all have an incredible sense of dress - sometimes horrific, sometimes wonderful - but always memorable. Do you have that crow to wear on your arm yet? Or Bandanas? OR SPANDEX? if not, get shopping or steal them from your Poison/Def Lepard/Krokus worshiping Dad. Almost every town has a heavy metal/rock/costume/charity shop [often you can find your track there too] - so make the effort.

05. Attitude Within seconds the audience will sense if you have it or not. Its their killer instinct. You must cultivate the attitude. For 3 minutes you are the star and they are your bitches. So you have to make it so.
Hypnotise yourself and release the elfin metal demon inside. You have devil eyes and you know it. Pretend to be Norwegian at the end of a long winter of church burning and vodka drinking and you’ll be half way there. Make Disastronaut stand back as you explode into a vortex of ROCK. You must believe to win.

06. Your Stage Show On stage, you have approximately 3 minutes to impress the audience [see note 8] and the judges [see note 10]. So you will have to devise what you are going to do for three minutes on stage. Its not as easy as it might sound. Important considerations are: your entrance, your exit, the layout of the stage, location of monitors for posturing, speaker stands, audience density in case you fancy a bit of crowd surfing, other bits of furniture that you could use to launch yourself into history. The show must be planned a bit in advance so you know what to do just leading up to your solo, or guitar smash or finale. To have a plan is a good place to start.

07. Technique After 9 championships one thing is clear - Technique is not as important as you might think. It is the most important aspect of trainspotters/geek Air Guitarists - so to give them a nod - it is worth honing your technique a bit. First - are you playing a guitar or is that actually a small rodent? Some amatuers look like they are fiddling with themselves instead of a Rickenbacker or a Flying V. Guitars are big things. Make space for them. Next the hands. Figure out if you are left handed or right handed. Then work out how to make it look like you are picking/strumming/licking with one hand and with the other making chord shapes, solo-ing notes, bending phrases and above all rocking out. There is a repertory of moves that you instinctively know already. Use them. Jumps, knee bends, slides [careful of dad’s spandex], windmills, teeth picking, smashing and grabbing. Its all there in the videos, films, live concerts, gigs, even pub bands love to show off their virtuosity. So get down there and memorise the licks.

08. Crowd Response Now, however much Disastronaut would like to pick the winners [and alot of you by the letters and complaints we receive after almost every event seem to be convinced I do] IT is the case and forever will be the case that THE AUDIENCE [and not that Roundhead Alien-Baxter’s old dodgy band] will decided who the winner is. And they will decide by brute force. Whoever gets the loudest, longest and hardest response wins. Just like life. not.
You need to get the crowd on your side - by pleading, begging, torturing, whatever you need to do to get them and keep them. They are technically yours to play with. They want you to. Really want you to get them and keep them forever. Work it and you’ll see the results. Mess it up and you’ll go down baby.

09. On The Night So on the night it works like this. You come to the venue before it opens and sign in with Disastronaut or collaborators on the night. Make sure to remember your costume, track, attitude and show.
You will be called up in groups - broken by intermission of DJs/Bands/Compere etc. - It is important to stay on stage in your group so there is something for the audience to look at if a contestant is rubbish.
Then the judges on the night [see note 10] will narrow down the field to 3 or 4 contestants. then all of the contestants have to “air guitar” to a mystery track - it could be almost anything - classical, death metal, a famous solo, bluegrass. Then from this point the audience takes over. Disastronaut will bring finalists onto the stage then one by one put his hand over your head. The winner on the night is the one with the best audiece response. And thats it.

10. The Final Judgement So do you have what it takes to win a regional heat and then get through to the finals? and do you think you could ever be the Winner? This year will be the biggest and hardest competition to win. but with the win comes endless amounts of kudos, commercial exploits and bragging rights well into 2005. After you make it to the final 3 or 4 of the Finals - then the audience takes over and the judges must go to the bar and await mob rule The winner [generally quite clear cut] will be the one with the consensus as the winner. If its too close to call another mystery round will be done til its resolved. And once the decision is made - thats final. So good luck and if you follow [and disobey] these guidelines - you might find yourself in front of 1000 people and in front of millions on TV - crowned UK Air Guitar champion of 2006.